


Home

by PeriPeriwinkle



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Amnesia, Feels, Food Poisoning, Found Family, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, recalling past events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23631970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeriPeriwinkle/pseuds/PeriPeriwinkle
Summary: Since he was young, Taako had a clear vision in his mind of what home would eventually be for him and his sister.But nothing could've prepared him for what life had planned for him instead.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Sazed/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	Home

Taako moves to an apartment in Neverwinter – ground floor because _fuck elevators_ _–_ and spends the first few months there piecing it together on his free time, just the way he’s always envisioned it. A big kitchen with a tall island for him to cook as much as his heart desires without getting a nasty neck crick, a seating room with beanbags and pouffes surrounding a wide couch that’s covered in multicolored, a bedroom with a unbelievably comfortable futon where he can sleep in without a care in the world, plus a bathroom with a custom bathtub that can easily fit five of him inside. It’s the whole nine yards and more, and once every little thing is in its respective place, Taako feels _proud_ of what he’s accomplished. What can he say, Taako enjoys a life of small comforts and luxuries, and he very much deserves it after literally saving the world.

But he sometimes wakes up and looks around in a daze; on those days it takes him a few long seconds before he remembers where he is. Things come out to him one by one: he’s in his own bed, covered in the blankets he got for Candlenights from Lup; the walls are decorated with tapestries and paintings he picked out himself at the flea market, and a long clothes rack adorned with all of his favorite outfits and hats makes for a colorful centerpiece in the room. It’s almost surreal how much he looks around and thinks, _yes, this is my space. This is Taako._

Taako has never had a place of his own like this. In the beginning he lived with his aunt, and then the caravans that took him in in exchange for work. The room he had at the Starblaster was the closest thing to a home he had, but he never _chose_ it, not really; he was forced to tweak and adapt it until it was something _resembling_ home because he literally had no other choice on the matter. Same with the caravan he had during Sizzling It Up, and the dorm rooms he shared with Magnus and Merle at the Moon Base. But these places always felt... temporary. Borrowed. He usually felt very much welcome, but the spaces were never meant to be permanent, they weren’t supposed to be where he would eventually settle down and grow roots. At times he doubted he’d ever have a place like that, and after Glamorsprings he would sometimes catch himself wondering if he even _deserved_ it.

But this place feels like it. It feels like home in a way nowhere else in his life ever felt like it, and it weirds Taako out in a way he can’t explain. It’s... _odd_. To wake up in the morning and have that realization that he doesn’t have to worry about when the next mission’s going to be, or where else he’ll have to explore, or how he’s going to train to prepare himself for their next big fight.

Taako _likes_ it.

Sometimes it feels weird for him to call it that, but it’s very much _home_.

\---

When he was young, this is what Taako envisioned:

A small cottage house that he and Lup would share, cozy and safe from the rest of the world. He’d own the fanciest restaurant in town, and Lup would maybe open a dojo where she could teach young kids how to defend themselves using magic. It sounds absolutely sappy and domestic, but when Taako shares his plans with her, Lup laughs and smiles and tells him she very much likes the sound of it.

And then they join the IPRE crew, and they spend a hundred fucking years travelling through a hundred different worlds and realities, and Taako puts his dreams on hold. Just for a bit.

Once they’re starting to settle down in Faerûn, Taako picks his dreams back up from where he’d left them, only now he has to add _mister Barold_ to the equation. It’s not that he doesn’t like the idea; Barold is a good guy, and he makes his sister _very_ happy, but he’d be lying if the thought of walking in on him and his sister didn’t bother him profoundly.

So he adapts his vision: maybe Barry and Lup can share a bigger house, and Taako can still have that tiny cottage, sitting quaintly right next to Lup and Barry’s. They can both come over every day for breakfast, and Lup and Taako can cuddle and gossip throughout the night whenever Mister Teacher Barold does double shifts at Goldcliff’s Academy or something.

And then, one day, Lup vanishes.

Lup _vanishes_ , and it’s like someone has ripped out Taako’s heart. And it’s not something that happens at once; it’s slow going, just a bit at a time at first as he still retains hopes that Lup will return eventually, then more and more with each passing day as that hope wanes and dwindles, until all that’s left behind is a hollow cavity in his chest that aches with each breath he takes in. He tries not to think of his dream cottage anymore because it fucking hurts too much to do so, and instead he gravitates all of his focus, attention and energy into _finding Lup_. But sometimes he slips, usually in his sleep, because instead of his and Lup’s houses all he sees is searing red hot and blinding blue fire blazing everything down to ashes, turning the grass an eerie obsidian black.

And then–

And then.

And. Well.

And then it’s just him and no one else, as it’s _always_ been. He has no friends, no family, no real aspirations for his future besides getting through the days, one step at a time. It’s just him against the world, and nothing else. As it’s always been.

He gets a small coach caravan and travels anywhere and everywhere, going through various cities and villages and towns, showing off his cooking prowess mixed in with several transmutation tricks. Taako quickly picks up a small following from these shows, and not just because cooking with transmutation is something that no one’s ever done before or because his food is _absolutely incredible_ , but because he’s a show and a half on itself and people genuinely enjoy watching him. They love his antics, his creativity, his prowess in both cooking and transmutation, but mostly people adore his witty comebacks and his bold and loud personality. And so he quickly makes a living out of being a traveler and a showman, and he gets used to the loneliness of it all. He’s always been alone, after all.

( _Hasn’t he?_ , sometimes he wonders, and his head _hurts_ with that thought, makes something throb behind his eyes and deep inside his ears. But _no_ , he’s _always_ been alone. There’s never been anyone else, just good ol’ Taako against the world.

He’d remember if there was anyone else.)

And then along comes Sazed.

They meet in a tavern in the evening following one of Taako’s shows, almost a year into this new life of his. Taako had noticed Sazed in the small crowd that gathered to watch him perform, and the man catches his eye yet again. He’s a tiefling with horns that curl back from the top of his forehead and rest flush over his slicked black hair, a chiseled jaw, a strong nose, and kind, bright yellow eyes. He’s also head and shoulders taller than everyone else in the tavern, which means that he’s hard to miss, and Taako, emboldened by the high of a successful presentation, approaches him, sporting a flirty smile and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Sazed was obviously entranced by Taako’s charismatic personality and his talent in the kitchen, so he’s at first shocked, then nervous, until finally settling on _giddy_ when Taako approaches him at the tavern. One thing leads to another and they end up sleeping together that night, with the agreement that it was a one-off thing, but the very next day, just as Taako is getting ready to leave the village, Sazed offers to accompany him, help Taako with his show. And Taako, maybe hypnotized by his charming smile, maybe desperate for some sort of genuine connection with another being, maybe just fucking _tired_ of being alone, agrees.

And from that moment on Sazed becomes a welcome reprieve to Taako’s lonely life. They travel together for years, Sazed supporting Taako by tackling several different roles on the backlines – assistant, bodyguard, driver, groupie, apprentice, _friend_ – as Taako takes front stage in his shows. That works pretty well for a long while, and Taako would be lying if he said he didn’t feel _something_ growing exponentially for Sazed as the days and months and years go by. It’s pretty easy to be captivated by Sazed; the tiefling is kind and excitable, and he looks up to Taako like he hung the moon and the stars in the sky, and so Taako, against all his distrusting instincts, slowly opens himself up to Sazed like he’s never done with anyone else in his life (and the word _six_ fleetingly comes to mind, and Taako has a headache, and _why–_ )

And slowly but surely, as gradual and natural as the change of seasons, Taako and Sazed become _more_ , and Taako allows this to happen, embraces the moments as they come and go and allows himself to be vulnerable as well as he can. And one day, as he’s lying in his cot, wrapped in Sazed’s arms, he truly realizes the unusual situation he’s found himself in, _caring_ for someone else besides himself, being gently held throughout the hard days and the cold nights. Some days it’s soothing, this certainty, but some days he just... doesn’t know what to do make of it. Any of it, really.

But their relationship is good all in all. Taako struggles with accepting and trusting Sazed in such a pure and intimate way at first, but Sazed knows of Taako’s deeply ingrained trust issues, so he’s wonderfully patient and understanding throughout it all. Taako, in exchange, works on pushing these feelings away for Sazed’s sake – for _both_ their sakes, really; he learns to let himself relax and enjoy the moments of tenderness, telling himself over and over that he _deserves_ this, deserves to have a loving and kind partner, fucking deserves to be _happy_ , damn it all.

(But whenever Sazed hugs Taako with tenderness and affection, for just a moment Taako wishes for slender arms, catches glimpses of poofy blond hair and golden brown eyes just like his own in his mind’s eye, and it makes his head hurt and his chest seize up and he doesn’t know _why–_ )

Their relationship prevails as Taako’s show grows exponentially, Taako’s name and reputation running throughout the far ends of Faerûn like wildfire, and people _love_ him, love his antics and his food and _him_ , and Taako _basks_ in that feeling of being adored and admired and looked up to. But as the years go on and Sazed’s feelings for Taako also keep on growing, Taako slowly but surely comes to the realization that he just doesn’t feel for Sazed the same way Sazed feels for him. Worse of all is when he realizes he _never_ did, not really; he’s always liked Sazed, of course, but not like this. Never this profoundly. He sometimes hoped that, someday, his feelings would morph into something more, something similar to what Sazed feels for him, but as time passes and that just _doesn’t_ happen, Taako knows then, with a clarity he rarely ever has, that letting _them_ go on for much longer would be just plain _cruel_ , too cruel even by Taako’s standards. Sure, he could be – and very well _would_ be, mind you – cruel and mean whenever he felt it was necessary, but not like this. Not with someone he cares about.

Truth is, Sazed _idolizes_ him, always had, since the very beginning, since the very first day they met, and maybe just too little too late Taako realizes how bad it was of him to respond to his idolizing by reciprocating Sazed’s wants for a more intimate relationship. Taako doesn’t, however, want to break things off with Sazed completely, not really; despite it all he still sees a friend in the tiefling, and not only that, his show has reached a scale where he cannot do it all on his own, and he doesn’t trust – doesn’t _have_ – anyone else besides Sazed to help him with it.

(And with that thought the number _six_ comes to mind again and _oh_ it hurts _it hurts **it hurts**_ _–_ )

So he begins... distancing himself. It’s _maybe_ not the best idea and absolutely not the most mature move on his part, but it’s the strategy that Taako is most comfortable with. He pulls away when Sazed tries to engage anything, coming up with excuses, and at first they're fairly believable, but soon they become lame at best and feeble at worse. Sazed quickly catches on to what Taako is doing, of course; he’s a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them, and it’s been a long time since he was that naive tiefling Taako met years before, sitting alone at a tavern and blushing as Taako flirted with him. And Taako knows this, too; he sees, clear as day, how Sazed’s face falls whenever Taako walks off, hurt and confused, and Taako pushes this guilt down, focuses on his steps and his breathing and nothing else. And whenever Sazed tries talking to Taako about it, he deflects his questions, not subtly nor gracefully, and at one point not even _kindly_ , but he does so all the same.

That’s around the time Sazed starts getting pushier about being involved in Sizzling It Up.

Perhaps it was Sazed’s last resort, his way to find out once and for all if Taako really, _truly_ cared. If he gave two shit not just about them, but about _him_.

And Taako deflects that, too, of course. He wishes he’d been smoother about it, but at the time all he managed to come up with was yet another pathetic excuse that makes Taako cringe thinking back on it. But it _works_ , because Sazed _finally_ pulls away. He stops insisting they share a bed and stops trying to participate alongside Taako during his shows, but he also stops trying to make small talk, stops suggesting they hang out outside work hours... he just stops reaching out for Taako altogether. He won’t even set a hand on Taako’s shoulder for comfort or acknowledgment, something he did constantly even before they were a thing.

Taako feels conflicted; on one hand he’s well and thoroughly relieved that his shitty strategy _worked_ , that Sazed finally got the hint and he was able to drop the whole ruse, but on the other hand he _misses_ Sazed. He misses his friend, his companion, his _partner_ , because suddenly it's like he's not even there anymore. But he gives the tiefling space, figures he’ll come around eventually. Figures that with enough time they’ll go back to their old routine.

And then one day Taako burns himself on the grill, and when he looks Sazed is just... _not there_.

Which means that Taako has to go looking for a salve with just one hand – Sazed is always the one who patches Taako up so he has only a vague idea of where they keep the first aid chest – and by the time he finds it his hand is _throbbing_ with hot, searing pain that makes his eyes water. He awkwardly applies the salve and wraps the wound as best as he can, frowning at how droopy the bandages look around his hand, and when he’s finished and Sazed still isn’t back from wherever he went off to, Taako realizes he’s going to have to clean the whole kitchen setup by himself. With one hand. While still in considerable pain.

Taako knows that he probably deserves it, had it coming even, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Sazed eventually returns several hours later, giving Taako an unusually frosty silent treatment. He doesn’t acknowledge the fact that he’s slacked off on his duties, or the fact that he not only ignored Taako’s injury but purposefully _avoided_ helping him, and instead he walks off straight to their shared coach and retires for the day. Taako holds his tongue, hurt and guilt both mixed together and weighing uncomfortably on the pit of his gut, but for just a second, when he glances over to Sazed as the tiefling watches Taako visibly struggle to finish scrubbing the stove one-handed, he swears that Sazed seems to _relish_ in Taako’s pain and suffering, just a little.

It should’ve been a big ol’ red flag, but Taako is tired and angry and _upset_ , fighting back tears that sting his eyes worse than the burn on his hand. He honestly thought they could go back to being friends after their relationship was officially over, or at least rekindle the mentor and apprentice thing they had going on back at the very beginning, but as he sits down at the end of the day, sweaty and exhausted and drained emotionally, gingerly cradling his injured hand, he realizes how _foolish_ it was of him to think so.

(It’s only years later, after the truth of what happened in Glamorsprings comes to surface, that he remembers Sazed’s _exact_ look, the malice and the satisfied glint in his eyes, and _oh_ , Taako was so fucking _stupid_.)

Several days later, when Taako's hand is fully healed and he's pushed the incident to the back of his mind, their caravan arrives in Glamorsprings. Taako makes his famous thirty garlic clove chicken, and it’s a fairly big crowd that gathers around to support him and his show, despite how small the town is. It’s not his first time visiting Glamorsprings and people were looking forward to his return; the crowd is thrilled to see him, and Taako is distracted, running on the high of a successful show and a loving crowd.

And about an hour later, after the show’s done and over with and Taako’s just hanging around and talking with several fans, someone, somewhere, _pukes_ , and as that person’s being helped three other people start feeling sick as well, and someone else collapses, and as this is all happening around him Taako’s heart _stops_ as cold dread wraps around it.

The events that follow are like a blurry whirlwind, but to this day Taako vaguely remembers glimpses, moments that he can’t shake off no matter how hard he tries. He remembers Sazed, his face pale and his eyes puffy, remembers how he grabbed Taako by the arm with shaky and unsteady hands, how he was pulled away from the crowd and into their coach. He remembers the caravan moving, the horses running at full speed, the feeling of kneeling on the coach’s shaky floor and feeling like the world was _collapsing_ in on him, closing in until the pressure and the weight were so heavy he couldn’t _breathe._

Remembers the look of the townsfolk around him as realization dawned on all of them at the same time.

He and Sazed take turns driving, riding nonstop for two days straight, pushing the poor horses to their limit; they stop only once the horses are unable to go any further, and they make camp wherever it is they are, Taako taking his sleeping bag outside because he needs to feel solid, steady ground beneath him after spending so long holed up inside the moving caravan.

He wakes up half a day later, feeling just as tired as before falling asleep if not maybe even more, and Sazed is... gone.

Which. It’s fine. Taako has always been a one-man show anyway, and it was idiotic of him to think otherwise. It’s good that Sazed is gone, really; that way he won’t be seen as his accomplice. Few people knew of him as it were, and now Taako is extremely glad he didn’t say yes when Sazed asked him to co-host his show. He wouldn’t want Sazed to be now mingled in this mess with him.

Taako sits up and looks around, slowly taking in his surroundings. It’s a sand wasteland, with no roads, trees or houses as far as the eye can see, only a few dry bushes and the occasional lizard skittering by. That’s when it dawns on him that he is well and truly _alone_ for the very first time in years, and he shivers despite the warm sun overhead. It’s a weird, unsettling feeling.

Sazed took the small coach they used as living quarters along with both their horses, gracefully leaving behind all of Taako’s personal items. It takes a long time for Taako to take stock of his situation and decide what to do, but soon he catalogues the things he now has, stuffs as much as he can carry in a bag, then sets the rest of it along with the kitchen caravan on fire.

He sits and watches the flames consume the equipment he worked so hard to obtain and the setup he was so proud to have put together until it’s nothing but ambers and ashes. He knows he should feel broken up about it, should maybe feel some sort of grief over the end of his career and reputation, but all he feels is _numb_ , an overwhelmingly hollow feeling that crawls out of his chest and takes over his whole being until he feels _nothing_.

When night comes and all that’s left of Sizzle It Up is crackling misshapen logs, Taako drinks the last drags of his water canister and lies on the ground, curling under a blanket to protect himself against the desert’s frigid evening temperatures. It’s a terrible, fitful night of sleep, where his dreams are fuzzy and jumbled together almost static-like while being unnervingly clear at the same time, like they’re memories instead of made-up things. He sees a giant silver ring that emanates impossible bouts of propelling energy, then black columns of destructive power collapsing from the sky, and finally a mischievous smile on a familiar face that he can’t _quite_ place.

He wakes up and remembers dreaming nothing at all.

When the sun rises he steels himself and starts walking towards... somewhere. He doesn’t know where, but he knows he can’t stay in one place; it’s only a matter of time before Glamorsprings’ authorities start looking for him in earnest. He walks nonstop for the whole day, trudges on even after night falls over him, looks up at the two moons in the sky and thinks about following them, just to see where they might take him.

They eventually lead him to a tavern. Taako's feet have long since acquired more than just a couple of blisters, his clothes are covered in dust, and his pack weighs more than it probably should. The sight of the raggedy wooden building illuminated by the early morning rays of sun nearly brings him to tears, relieved as he is to finally see signs of civilization, and so he walks in, making sure not to limp as he does so, and for some reason the very first thing that catches his eye is a list of mercenary jobs for the taking that's tacked haphazardly to the column closest to the front door. Taako squints as he eyes the two names scribbled at the bottom.

Merle Highchurch and Magnus Burnsides.

And Taako’s eyes _hurt_ , his head _aches_ with a sudden sharp pain, _and–_

And nothing. He looks back at the list, frowning. He could’ve sworn– 

A heavy hand suddenly lands on his shoulder and Taako jumps, turning around with cat-like reflexes, pulling his wand from his coat and pointing it to the neck of the man standing behind him.

“Whoa, whoa, _whoa,_ buddy,” the man says, putting both hands up. Taako narrows his eyes at him. “I am _so_ sorry, I really should _not_ have jumped in on you like that, that is entirely my bad.”

Taako stays where he is, his wand now pressed against the man’s throat, fists clenched as he tries to hide how badly he’s shaking.

“I saw you looking at the pamphlet?” The man tries again, looking more and more nervous by the second, eyes crossing as he looks down at the now glowing wand under his chin. “The bounty? I’m Magnus. I put my name in there?”

Taako glances at the pamphlet from the corner of his eye then quickly looks back at Magnus. “What do you _want?_ ” He asks, low and dangerous. Magnus gulps and Taako feels his throat bobbing through the tip of his wand.

“ _Well_ , you seemed real interested and all, so I was wondering if you were considering joining us? Merle and I could really use a third person on our team, especially if that third person is a wizard. That’d be, uh. Real neat.”

Taako pauses. “ _Neat_ ,” he parrots, because _what the fuck_. Is he trying to _recruit_ Taako?

“Yeah! Neat!” Magnus nods, his voice a bit high pitched now. A dwarf with a shabby white beard adorned with tiny leaves and flower petals appears from behind Magnus and looks up at Taako, palms out and a worried expression on his face.

“Hey, kiddo, let’s not be hasty and do something we might regret, huh?” He pleads, and Taako– 

Taako remembers the townsfolk _choking_ , _puking_ , _collapsing_ to the floor, and how much he _regrets–_

He withdraws his wand and slides it back into the pocket on his cape. “Whatever,” he says, then turns around and starts walking out of the tavern. He’s not that desperate for company.

“Huh? Wait, you’re leaving? _Why_?” Magnus calls out, sounding even more distressed than when Taako had a _literal weapon of mass destruction_ pressed against his windpipe, but Taako ignores him. “Come on, give us a chance!”

“Nope, thank you very much but I am not a mercenary my dudes. Good luck to the two of you, but Taako’s outtie.”

“W-wait, well, what if we, uh... oh, I know, we’ll pay for you breakfast, how's that sound?! Just-just hear us out!”

Taako stops with his hand on the door.

Now that he’s paying attention he notices the smells coming from the tavern’s kitchen. Roasted pumpkin, stew, bread, _chicken pot pie._

He also remembers with terrible clarity that it’s been almost two days since he’s had anything substantial to eat or drink, and suddenly he feels dizzy and just about to black out.

“Pay me breakfast _and_ lunch,” he says, walking back into the tavern towards a table far off in a secluded corner, throwing himself dramatically onto one of the chairs to hide how weak and exhausted he feels, “and little ol' Taako here will _listen_ to your proposition, but I make no promises. Zero. _Zilch_.”

Magnus smiles and Merle eyes disapprovingly at Taako’s boots propped up on the table, and they both sit down across from Taako and flag down a waitress, starting on their pitch for this small job they're planning on taking on.

And Taako listens, and, well. He doesn't have anything else to do and the job sounds easy as shit, so one his thirst is quenched and his stomach is full he begrudgingly agrees.

When they come back from their hunt – very much successful, of course, in no small part thanks to Taako – Craig, the guy who put the list up, pays them generously before offering them a second job for the very next day, and what the fuck, Taako _still_ has nothing better to do and the payment _was_ pretty good, so he agrees to accompany the two men again, much to Magnus' joy. The three of them make camp on the edge of the village to rest up, and they share dumb stories about their life before stumbling upon this mercenary-wannabe moment they're living – except for Taako, who watches them in silence, only sharing half-truths or outright blatant lies. Magnus doesn’t seem to mind (or notice, in fact) and Merle gets tired of Taako's antics quickly, and soon they all retire to their respective sleeping bags.

Taako is still wide awake well into the night, long past when he knows he should be going to sleep if he wants to be coherent tomorrow for their next job, but he can’t stop looking up at the two moons up in the sky, the very same ones that somehow brought him here in the first place. His mind drifts for a bit, and he thinks of maybe, someday, building a small cottage where he can settle down in, maybe open a fancy-ass restaurant, share his meals with– 

Taako stops abruptly, feeling almost winded as his mind suddenly _blanks out_ , but he quickly recovers and picks his thoughts back up right where he stopped. He wonders where the idea of a cozy cottage house even _came_ from, because being quaint and domestic is _so_ off brand for Taako it’s not even funny. And... sharing it? Sharing it with _whom_? Not with these two fools, that’s for sure, and not with... not with _him_ either.

But Taako looks back up at the moon, and whenever he tries to remember when exactly it was that he first thought of building this idyllic cottage, of growing roots and having this wonderfully _normal_ life, his memories feel fuzzy, like his brain is filled to bursting with cotton, muffling his mind. His head suddenly hurts something _fierce_ , and he lies down on his bedroll and closes his eyes for a second. _Rest_. He needs rest and he needs _peace_.

And he _definitely_ doesn't need a small cottage house or anyone to share it with, that’s for damn sure.

All he remembers of his dreams is a laughter so familiar and comfortable the sound of it fills him with pure, unadulterated _joy_ , and he wakes up suddenly, feeling emptiness in his chest again, but he knows this time it’s not because of Sazed or the ashes of Sizzling It Up, he knows it’s _not_ , but he also doesn’t know _how_ he knows it’s not, because if it’s not _that_ when _who_ is that empty feeling for?!

Wait. No. He meant– 

_Who?_

And then, to his utter shock, Taako looks up at the two moons and _cries_. He didn’t cry once he realized that he’d essentially killed all those people back at Glamorsprings, he didn’t cry after Sazed abandoned him, and he didn’t cry when his whole career went up in literal flames, but now he cries and cries _and cries_ , thick tears rolling off his eyes and down towards his hairline, and he doesn’t know _why_ he’s crying.

Exhaustion eventually catches up to Taako and he finally falls asleep again, and when he wakes up he doesn’t remember any of it.

And the rest after that, as they say, is history.

\---

Against his better judgment and Lup’s strongly worded disapproval, Taako decides to visit Sazed in Glamorsprings.

Taako’s initial idea was to go by himself, but Lup strictly forbade him and told him she was coming with whether he liked it or not. Kravitz insisted he come, too, and so it was only logical that Barry joined them as well.

Which is how Taako ended up on a fucking _family road trip_ to the last place on Faerûn he’d ever want to spend _any_ time in, let alone on a fucking _family day._

But once they arrive Taako is actually glad that Lup and Barry came along. They’re the ones sitting outside, guiding the coach’s horses, while he and Kravitz sit on the inside, protected by a privacy spell that allows them to look outside the windows but makes it impossible for people outside to see within; if they try, all they’ll see is a black tinted glass pane. And when the townsfolk of Glamorsprings see Lup and Barry approaching and realize _who_ they are, they are _thrilled_ , which is the complete opposite of what Taako expected; they run up to Lup and Barry and shake their hands, ask for hugs, praise them endlessly, and Taako, overwhelmed with the crowd that has gathered around their coach, slinks further into his seat.

Kravits gets up and sits next to him instead of across, puts an arm around Taako’s shoulders and holds Taako’s hands.

“Talk to me,” Kravitz says, voice low and soothing. Taako exhales shakily and glances outside.

One of the many people standing next to the carriage waiting for their turn to talk to Lup and Barry is a girl, around twelve years old, Taako reckons. Because it’s almost like every single detail about _that day_ in Glamorsprings has been engraved to the back of his mind with a searing hot poker, he instantly recognizes her as the daughter of one of the women who died on the day of his last show. He remembers how she proudly told him she was a vegetarian when he approached them both with his chicken samples, and although her mom rolled her eyes and gently chided her daughter, Taako simply grinned and conjured a pink macaron out of thin air, making her gasp. She smiled and thanked him profusely, eating the macaron with gusto as her mother took a sampler out of his tray.

She’s probably the only person that watched his show that day and lived to tell the story.

She’s grown a lot since then, but Taako recognizes her all the same; her ashy blue hair and doe-eyed look, the pointy ears that twitch involuntarily. The girl fidgets with the edges of her skirts and nervously glances at the coach’s dark window, almost as if sensing someone staring at her; Taako knows she can’t see him, but just for a second their eyes meet and Taako feels _sick_.

“What am I _doing_ here?” He asks out loud, bending down until his torso is folded in half over his legs and his face is hidden in his hands. Kravitz goes down with him, arms still circling Taako’s frame. “Why did I think this was a good idea?!”

“Do you want to go back, love?” Kravitz asks, trying but failing to not let worry bleed into his words. “We can tell Lup to turn the coach around and we’ll be back home in a matter of hours, and no one will question or fault you for it. I can even open a rift and whisk you away in an instant, if you prefer. We could go anywhere in the world.”

Taako shakes his head, feels his hair flowing wildly around his shoulders. “No, no, no. I want to do this. I _have_ to do this.”

“You don’t _have_ to do anything, Taako. You don’t owe that _monster_ anything.”

Monster.

That word doesn’t sit well with Taako.

He remembers Sazed’s smile, bright and sincere. Remembers his voice. Remembers his touch.

Remembers the image of him crying, the arsenic bottle clutched in his hands.

Sazed is not a monster, Taako knows that much.

He takes a deep breath.

“I want to do this,” he insists, but doesn’t straighten himself up. He stays where he is, focusing on his breathing, trying to tune out the voices and sounds outside. Kravitz places a cold kiss to his nape and scoots closer still.

“As long as you’re sure, love.”

It takes them a few minutes but soon the coach is moving again, and in what feels like the blink of an eye they’ve reached the small prison ward at the edge of the town, Glamorsprings’ head officer already standing at the door waiting to greet them.

“Sirs, madam,” he says, tipping his hat, and they all shake hands – except for Taako, who hangs back nervously and avoids getting too close to the man. He wonders if his face looks just as bad as he feels, and he reckons it does because when the officer turns to him he doesn’t look put off or annoyed at Taako's rudeness, only sympathetic. “I always wondered when you’d return, mister Taako. In the name of all citizens of Glamorsprings I can assure you that we hold no ill will against you. What happened was a tragedy that you could not have predicted.”

A tragedy. As if it was something _unavoidable_.

“Can I see him now?” Taako asks, and the officer nods.

“Follow me,” he says, and walks back into the building, Lup and Barry staying behind with the coach and the horses as Kravitz walks in after Taako.

The officer takes them to a room made of concrete walls with a table in the middle, four metal chairs bolted to the floor, two on each side. He gestures to it.

“Makes yourselves comfortable,” he says, opening the door opposite the one they came in through. “I’ll be right back with the prisoner.”

Taako walks to the table and sits down, the metal chair hard and uncomfortably cold even through his clothes. Kravitz doesn’t sit on the free chair next to him, preferring instead to stand behind Taako, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Taako places his fingers over Kravitz’s hand and focuses on that grounding contact, counting each and every one of his deep, measured breaths as he stares at the closed door and _waits_.

Eventually the door opens once more, and through it comes the officer, followed closely by Sazed.

Taako feels the color draining from his face, and he drops his hand to his lap. Kravitz squeezes his shoulder tightly. _I’m here_ , that touch is saying, and Taako presses his lips together.

“Take as long as you need, mister Taako,” the officer says when Sazed sits down on the chair opposite Taako, and he walks out of the room.

Sazed's eyes are downcast, purposefully avoiding Taako, and so he takes that opportunity to really look at the tiefling: his once polished horns look rough and flaky and his hair is a tad too long and dull, like he hasn’t taken proper care of either of these things in a while. He also has deep, dark bags under his eyes, almost as if he hasn’t had a good night sleep in years – and isn’t _that_ relatable, Taako muses; it took him a fucking long time after Glamorsprings to manage a full night of actual restful sleep. Sazed also looks thinner, and that is the most evident difference for Taako; his muscles aren’t as defined as they were when they travelled together, and his shoulders are drooped, almost in defeat, making him look smaller.

He looks awful, and it should bring Taako some amount of satisfaction to see him like this, but instead he just feels... sad.

He wants to look away, wants to tell Sazed off maybe, but he finds that he _can’t_. He feels _entranced_ by this whole situation, almost in a state of shock as it dawns on him that he’s actually _here_ , that they’re _both_ here, sitting in the same room, sharing the same air. Taako was absolutely certain he’d never see Sazed ever again, and now...

Now he doesn't even know where to _begin_.

“ _Why?_ ” Taako finally asks, his pained voice cutting through the suffocating silence in the room, and Sazed flinches as if he’s been slapped.

No one says anything else for a good long while, and Taako waits patiently. Feels Kravitz’s soothing energy behind him and focuses on that instead.

“The first thing you taught me,” Sazed starts, and even his voice sounds wildly different from what Taako remembers, “is to taste _everything_ you cook. Absolutely everything, every element, every step of the way. That’s rule _numero uno_ of Taako’s rulebook.” He grins meekly for half a second, almost as if retelling fond memories, frowning again as he carries on. “I... bought the arsenic on a whim, and I spiked the sauce during prep that day. I didn’t intend to kill all these people, but I wasn’t watching the show, if I was, maybe I could’ve... b-but I didn’t even think that you wouldn’t taste the food, I-I didn’t consider the possibility of all these people _dying..._ I honestly thought you would’ve been d- _dead_ before you had a chance to distribute the samples, or at least that you would’ve felt sick enough that you would’ve known something was _wrong_. Maybe... maybe Istus was looking over you that day, I don’t know.”

Taako feels Kravitz’s energy behind him shift; no doubt the reaper wants to say something. He must have _plenty_ of things on his mind right about now, but he also knows better than to intervene; he’s here for moral support and nothing more. So he remains silent, and Taako feels his chest warm up with how much he _loves_ this man.

“So you only wanted to kill _me_ , then. Sweet,” he mutters, looking down at his hands, clenching them on the fabric of his skirts. He frowns. “Was I... _that_ bad to you, Sazed? I know I wasn’t the best at the end there, but... I never thought...”

“That I had it in me?” Sazed laughs, humorlessly. It sends a cold shiver that runs up Taako’s spine and crawls up into his scalp. “Truth is, I never thought I did either. You were _cruel_ to me, Taako, and for a long time I wondered what I’d done to deserve being treated the way you treated me, and one day that hurt _tipped_ , and it was like all I knew was _anger_. I was _so_ fucking angry, _unreasonably_ so, all the fucking time, and I never came down from it, I _embraced_ that rage instead, accepted it as my new normal, because in my twisted thought process I somehow decided that if you were treating me like garbage I’d damn well act like it.

“It was easier, in a sense, to let it fester, allow it to control me, because it was better than the alternative, which was to, well... I just didn’t want to admit to myself that it was over between us, and _wow_ , does it sound _that_ much worse when I say it out loud.”

Sazed exhales, a long, shaky thing, and hides his face in one of his massive hands. Taako takes note of his nails, some tipped like claws, some crooked and uneven, and he remembers nights when he’d give Sazed a complete manicure treatment, partially because he loved holding those big hands in his, and partially because he loved how beautiful Sazed's thick nails looked coated in fresh black polish. “I was an _idiot_ , Taako, I– what you did to me hurt me _, deeply_ so, but _nothing_ justifies what I did. It was wrong to let my emotions get the best of me, wrong to let the whole thing get to the point of trying to _kill you_ , and even worse of me to stay quiet when you were pinned for the deaths in Glamorsprings."

He then drops his hand and finally lifts his head to look at Taako, face crestfallen and pained. Taako takes no pleasure in seeing him like this, although he feels that a Taako from a year or so before probably would.

“I’m... glad you came, Taako. I’ve been meaning to apologize for _so long_ , and I _couldn’t_ , and I–” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “I’m _sorry_ , Taako. I ruined _everything_. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I regret what I did every single day of my life, and ever since I turned myself in I’ve been trying to make things right, however I can.”

“The only reason you turned yourself in was because you found out who I really am,” Taako spits out, venom dripping from his voice. Sazed’s frown deepens. “If you really did regret it you would’ve turned yourself in much sooner, not _after_ you realized that you’d framed one of the most important people in this miserable fucking planet.”

“Taako–”

“You _don’t_ fucking regret it, Sazed, be honest. You’re just trying to save face, make your image a little less shitty.”

But Taako knows this isn’t true. He _knows_ Sazed is being sincere. He didn’t have to turn himself in, even after Taako’s past became public fucking knowledge, even after he became a _legend_. Sazed could've probably lived the rest of his life without anyone finding out, and the truth of what _really_ happened, of _why_ these people died, would've been Taako's dirty little secret. Call him petty, but yeah, it feels _good_ to say these things out loud, see the pain twisted in Sazed’s face.

Kravitz shifts behind him. Sazed looks up, and whatever he sees makes him _terrified_. Taako sighs.

“Kravitz, babe, don’t face-skull him. Not cool.”

Kravitz shrugs and lifts his charm back up. “Sorry, love. Couldn’t help it.”

And Sazed, for Taako’s utter shock, _smiles_ , shakily and weakly, but he does.

“Shit, I’m... _glad_ , Taako. That you found someone, after all. You were always so distrusting of everything and everyone, and after... it made sense, then, when we all _remembered_. You never knew why, back when we were together, and now you know, and even so you still found someone. It’s good to see you’re happy. I really am glad.”

Taako stays silent, but he brings his hand up again and sets it over Kravitz’s fingers, turning his head to look at them, intertwining their fingers together. He eyes Kravitz’s black nail polish and feels dizzy.

Sazed takes a deep breath.

“The truth is, I was _scared_ , Taako. I was a _coward_ , plain and simple, and that’s why I didn’t turn myself in sooner. But then the world almost ended, and I saw how brave you and your family is– were– _are_ , and I... I knew I couldn’t keep hiding. I knew I had to face the consequences of my actions. I always knew I wasn’t doing right by you, and I always knew I’d have to fess up eventually, and seeing how fearless you were against The Hunger that day gave me the courage to do the right thing. I’m _so_ sorry I didn't do it sooner. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it’s the truth, and that’s all I can give you.”

“It doesn’t... I know it’s not an excuse,” Taako mutters, still not looking at Sazed. “I’m sorry I hurt you so much you wanted to fucking kill me.”

“ _No_ ,” both Sazed and Kravitz say at the same time, and Kravitz holds his tongue as Sazed straightens himself in his chair. “ _Don’t_ , Taako. _Yes_ , you hurt me, but nothing justifies what I did.”

“Yeah, well. I’m still sorry I was such an idiot. I didn’t have to freeze you out like I did. It must’ve sucked, Sazed, what I did to you, and you didn’t deserve it. Before everything went to shit you were... good to me. Even if we weren’t good for each other.”

And Sazed smiles again, but it’s more of a sad, weak uptilt of his trembling lips this time. A tear runs down his face.

“Thank you, Taako. It... means a lot. Truly.”

Taako shrugs, tries faking nonchalance, then gets up from his chair. He’s done here, he thinks. Sazed gets up, too, and Kravitz takes a step forward, ready to step in between them both, and Sazed brings his hands up in surrender. Taako just feels _tired_.

“Goodbye, Sazed. I... hope you find redemption, somehow, I guess.”

Sazed nods, dropping his hands to his sides. “And I hope you find peace, Taako. After all the shit you’ve been through, you deserve it.”

And with that, Taako walks out.

The trip back home is a blur. Taako vaguely remembers being guided back to their coach, sitting at the back and slumping against Kravitz. He closes his eyes and sighs, sleeps fitfully throughout the bumpy ride.

When he’s back home, just as he’s about to step back inside his apartment to perhaps mope and feel miserable for the rest of the day, Lup pulls him into a hug and holds him for a long time.

“I’m proud of you, Koko,” she says, and Taako tightens his grip around her.

When he pulls back, Barry steps forward and hands him a small paper bag.

“What’s this?” He asks, and Lup gives him a half smile.

“A girl at Glamorsprings asked us to give it to you. We both double checked it, by the way, and it’s definitely not poisoned.”

Taako takes the bag, and sitting inside is a note, placed neatly atop a single pink macaron.

He feels his throat close up, and he gingerly takes the note with shaky hands.

 _Dear mister Taako_ , it reads.

_I know now that it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry that you had to quit your show because of what happened, I really liked it. I hope you’re able to cook that chicken again someday. It was my mom’s favorite._

_I baked this cookie using your recipe, and it came out exactly how I remember it. It’s my favorite cookie ever._

_I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for saving our world._

_Best wishes,_

_Karmina._

Taako takes a bite of the macaron and gasps, choked up.

“Taako, what is it? What’s wrong?” Kravitz asks, worried, once the tears start streaming down his face. Taako gasps in between sobs.

“I-it’s nothing, it’s just... this is a _fucking baller cookie_ ,” he whines with his mouth full, and Lup laughs and hugs him again.

When he finally walks back inside his apartment he ends up inviting all three of them in as well, Lup and Barry sitting down to cuddle on the couch as Kravitz flops down on a beanbag, pulling Taako down with him and making him laugh.

Taako looks around, at the décor on the walls. At his family, together in this one, cozy place, talking easily about unimportant things. Maybe it’s not a cottage, and maybe he doesn’t have a fancy-ass restaurant. Maybe Lup isn’t his neighbor, and she doesn’t have a dojo, and, yeah, maybe it’s fucking _nothing_ like his dreams of yore.

But it’s his. And it’s _home._

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever TAZ fanfic! My original idea for this was so wildly different from what it ended up becoming, but I'm very happy with how it turned out! I have _a lot_ of feelings about Taako, and a lot of thoughts about all the shit he went through and all the trauma he carries; Justin was absolutely incredible in fleshing out the character, improvising as he went along, and giving him life. He's hands down one of my favorite characters in media, and I hope this story shows just how much I care about him.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
> 
> Inspiration for Sazed:  
> https://paticmak.tumblr.com/post/154568834291/  
> https://paticmak.tumblr.com/post/153062742121/  
> https://sicklyjelly.tumblr.com/post/165309615038/


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